Proving beyond doubt his amazing ability to predict the future of all things Stand Up, Boner/CEO of Stand up PusSports, SoreGob admitted that he had personally been responsible for inventing penicillin and the cathode ray oscilloscope, when randomly responding to a newby question on the Pornopaddlezone.
How do I use dual Butt Plugs
The question in question??? “How do I use dual butt plugs?” (it’s safe don’t worry) was actually answered by SoreBog two weeks previously when he responded to a Pornopaddlezoner’s question asking
“Who was the single most influential person in the SunBored Python world?”
With extensive testing on home made electro gizmo logy we can prove that there is far less ‘flutter’ when using twin butt plugs in a correctly handled manner. Twin Plug technology has been around for quite some time indeed here at Ivan HQ we have ridden modified twin plugs with great success for years. Such a pretty picture.
Not wanting to say ‘We told you so’ but as announced by this site way back in May 2009 http://surfingivan.wordpress.com/2009/05/09/its-my-t-shirt-and-i-tuck-it-in-if-i-want-to/ the worlds most amazing, multi world championship bestis winningist surfer of all time has secured his surfing pension by purchasing a ‘Python’ pop out paddleboard which he intends to use as a test bed before his expected all out assault on the World StandUPsurf invitation only Waterman Championships of Hawaii sponsorship of which is rumoured to be shortly hi-jacked by globullshit surf marketing giants Dicksliver.
Again having spent no time at all in researching what an ‘Industry Insider’ might have said Surfing Ivan can reveal the following misquote -
‘DickSliver feel that although the father of the modern standup revival Scared Hammerton and his better blogging but less commercialized buddy Trey Salami have managed to arouse certain,latent interests, respect and curiosities in Standup Paddling the main take up of the sport has been amongst the crusty old geezers. We would like to engage with the 18 – 30 demigraphic that has grown up with Mister Bater as a handy role model.
What we need is a SUP ambassedeur that still has credibility and influence amongst the surfing fraternity that can still take a piss without involuntarily farting at the same time. With 10 world championships behind him and a likely 11th in the bag Dicksliver want to capitilise on Mister Bater’s deity status whilst he still has a shout at the title and a prostate that is not the size of a pineapple. We feel that the signal for Daily to begin making the switch was his appalling performance in France last week. Getting his ass handed to him by a pre pubescent teen could signify that his real surfing days are numbered and therefore we wish to wring him dry as quickly as possible. There is also the fact that the tour series is currently becoming a total shambles with sponsored pro’s openly whinging and bitching about being paid to surf . . . against wanabee groms’at some of the worlds greatest surf venues. Some are even refusing to compete.
Also we have millions of ‘Thank Bater’ tee shirts and fender stickers ready to roll out”
When pushed for a response Daily Bater simply said
“What the fuck do I care – I’ve got $10,000,000 in Dicksliver shares. All I know is I’m not so desperate that I have to ponce about in a Porsche Panamera, pimping blow up oversized condoms or cosy up to the zone to sell my Koala Killer’s”
Dry your eyes surferboys, one day when you start to look like your Dad and smell like your Gran, you too will get a Paddle Board!
‘I was looking at myself naked the other day and could not help but be amazed by my own ripped torso. I mean I’m not 20 – 30 any more but I love a good paddling, I now need to look at pictures of myself both before and after a good paddling. I ride Salami every now and then but I always have. I’ll take some more pics and post them on some special website – I would love to see some of you. Especially if you have a big thing.’
Yup, once upon a time – when webvertising was free and welcomed because people were hungry for any information - there were a band of brothers who were everybodies’ friends – but where are they now? What has happened? Who is now sharing the stoke. Where are the videos’ and pics and tips. Well as things developed and information becomes shared on a purely altruistic level, (yeh right) strategic product placement becomes recognised for the hype that it is and was. People that were once in awe of larger than life characters are now beginning to be able to relate on almost even terms instead of having to bask in the glare of hero worship – still, heady days now long gone.
But wait – they can still be found, dishing out instant self congrats on the world’s favourite social netgrooming site MaceTook.
Fear not hero worshippers – all is not lost. Our work here is done.
This is fantastic news – remember when we first started taking a paddle with us on our big ass ol’boards thinking ‘this makes me look really weird,’ and then remember how surprised we all were when it all started to come together, and how we convinced ourselves that this was the new way, and how one day everybody would surf like this, and can you remember how exciting it was in those early days when we first saw someone else stroking their way across ‘our’ break and then another and another and then we sort of didn’t want to see anyone else ‘Cos we were the first’.
Well now we can regain our early day excitement and re-stamp our claim on waterman originality check this out
H2OSUPStadiumSpeaker. Listen to your favourite drum and bass tunes whist cruising those popular surf breaks with Aloha. Rent yourself out for on water parties – prefect for downwind training to music.
It’s not like she need’s a paddle or anything – does she? She can steer it - Can’t she?
What the hells going on ? We turn our back for 5mins whilst we take some well earned R&R courtesy of the state and when we get back everyones gone. Like Dan T’ae f”rinstance. Where the hell is Dan? One minute he is making his back yard boards and posting every day and the next he has flown the nest and has signed up with Mucas Boards (we can brand for you!!) like who the hell is Mucas??
Every day is a bad hair day
And Stain Dangers, where is Stain? Hang on – here he is back with Rod Badly having sold out to BoredPerks – nice.
Is the Zone devoid of all life – probably as as our very own killing machine TrooperBrave has been out with his hand gun. KillemGrillemandExtinctum – Yeah Baby!!
Here at SURFING IVAN we feel stongly that you should be aware of exactly ’who pays the checks’. So we have decided to come clean. Just like the expenses row in lil’ ol’ Great Britain we would not want to be accused at a later date of not fully disclosing our backers as we feel that could blow our credibility and possibly tarnish the way in which our audience view what we write. Oh yes – we take ourselves that seriously.
In fact it is quite possible that we may even be feeling a teensy weensy bit overlooked and under valued now if we can’t find a reason to disclose that we had a free block of wax thrown in with our last $1500 board. Shit that would make us look like Joe average instead of one of the movers and a shakers in the industry. Phew – we are so pleased that we got that off our chest.
You know who you are – we know who you are – as far as we are concerned you are a true sport and a true sportsman – now get your shit together as quickly as possible stop your fannying about and raise hell ‘cos it feels painful lonely here without you.
The entire Surfing Ivan Crew wish you a complete and speedy recovery – Thats it !
Talking of self asphyxiation, we almost choked on the fantastic debate raging on the zone at the moment between the brown rice eating, open toed Jesus booters championing home made surf boards constructed from the remains of worn out Ford F150 tyres and glassed with Panda droppings and the Kill Bill’ers busy stashing away spent uranium fuel rods ‘cos it makes my pee glow in the dark and my race car go faster’. Whoa, did I say pee?
We were happy to sit on the side of this one – however in the light of some irrefutable photographic evidence brought to the discussion by the internationally renown, bevel headed and well heeled Allcrap. We have come down firmly on the side of the ‘Whatever’ camp
Three headed toad - Proof of melting ice caps
So there you have it SUP or Sup ? Does it matter ? Is it easy WTF? We are off to read a book about something or other here is a graph to back up our position.
And further pictorial proof of China’s commitment to reducing carbon emissions.
Further proof of the sustainability of bamboo boards
On a slightly different topic
BOURNE AGAIN STAND UP IDENTITY CRISIS
Help we seem to have lost our name – plucked from the sea by French fisherman after floating around aimlessly the standup community face new threats to our sport. WHAT ARE WE? Are we surfers, kayakers, paddleboarders who knows.
Plunged into confusion by StalePeter who first recognised that he did not know how to explain his sport to dinner guests – the Stand up identity amnesia has spread faster than Asian Swine Chicken MacFlu throughout the entire StandUp population.
BRITAINS FAVOURITE AIRLINE
Sporting equipment
Sporting equipment we do not carry as checked baggage
Because of the large size and the associated handling complexities, there is some equipment that we cannot accept as checked baggage. Therefore, we do not accept the following equipment:
hang-gliders
windsurfing boards and sails
water skis that exceed the maximum dimensions surfboards
kayaks, canoes and oars
pole vaults
javelins
British Airways in record £400m loss
By Ben Laurance
Last updated at 10:51 PM on 22nd May 2009
Comments (0) Add to My Stories BA lost more than £400million in the year to March – its worst result since the airline was privatised more than two decades ago.
In 2007-08, BA achieved a record profit but the carrier was caught in a vicious squeeze between falling demand, as the recession took hold, and a huge rise in fuel costs in the wake of last year’s oil price surge.
BA’s fuel bill rose by more than 40 per cent, bringing it to almost £3billion.
Chief executive Willie Walsh said yesterday: ‘It is clearly a very difficult trading environment.’
Betcha wouldn’t mind the odd one or two surfers now would you Willie?
hell ‘cos it feels painful lonely here without you.
